the tears fall and then so does the rain.

half finished lies, just waiting on the code to reveal it’s every last plan.

a curious sound, a forbidden lullaby.

sing wisdom words. forge sorry words.

where did my song go? where did the music take me?

sweaty from the 2006 era, we collide like wings against skin.

imissyou.iloveyou.i’msorry.

the tears fall and someone tells me something i already know.

“why do you always go running to them?”

“because they’ll always be there.”

and you see how that turned out?

goodbye.solong.it’sbeenapleasure.

we know this isn’t the happy ended we expected since the beginning.

choking back the tears that you made me swallow with pride.

i’ve experienced perfect things before but i’ve never seen anything like this.

there’s something in the way i said goodbye.

i’m smarter now, than i was then, eight months ago.

do you remember what eight months ago was?

nopenopenope. because you don’t care.

i’ve learned to read your expressions better, at least better than most people.

that’s only because i study your words, your smile, you.

and i realize the worst thing that could happen, has happened.

“hate is a strong word but i really really really don’t like you.”

"ill be coming home just to be alone. ‘cause i know you’re not there, and i know that you don't care"

“you stupid motherfucker.”

 

division.

if i was better at writing happy endings, then i would tell you how i feel right now.

lately i've been sort of lost in my writing and my heart, but i've been happy.

[thanks to my lovely girlfriend april ezell<3]

i guess i have to feel completely clueless to be happy now a days.

not that i'm complaining, anything is better than being alone.

i think about the past a lot, i always have.

i try to figure things out even when it is too late to buzz in the answer.

sometimes i end up realizing how bad or good things are years and years later.

some people would call thinking about my history a waste of time,

but i think it prepares me for the future and helps me in the long run.

"i've been hurt before but i'm not going to hurt anymore."

we go for a drive, you singing as you tap your fingers on the steering wheel.

i sit, poised, beside you, my lips pursed together where you can see each and every crease.

a disgustingly calm breeze flows through the window you opened just for laughs.

it sends chills down my spine and fiery waves through my heart.

you glance at me, the beads of sweat that shine on your temples haunting me to the bone.

nausea sweeps over me like rain in a storm, but i can't make the words "pull over" come past my lips.

somehow you seem to know exactly where to swerve though.

the tears spill out like a fountain as i bend over the side of your car, wishing waiting watching.

cars pass us on the free way and for a moment i feel a fumbled touch on my back, as if you're trying to comfort me.

you swallow deeply, or at least deep enough to where i can hear it so clearly, and i'm afraid you're choking for a moment.
i smell a hint of soap from your shirt and i momentarilly want to wallow in self pity.

the operative word in all of these situations i'm caught in is pain.

something always has to go wrong.

someone always ends up hurt.

congratulations.

hi guys guess what?

i’m in love.

really really really badly.

but i’m happy.

*gasp*

yes. i’m finally happy.

me. sarina. happy.

yep. it’s weird.

(:

psst, april. i love you.

 

every little thing is gonna be alright.

What the fuck happened to my hero? I’m speechless right now, you guys. Yeah, me, Sarina, the writer girl who can ramble on and on and on about anything, especially Panic At The Disco of all things, is speechless. I knew Ryan did coke. I knew that he was going downhill. I knew that he wasn’t the same. I knew that I had lost the man that I once loved and thought was a genius. But to see it, to know that he’s stupid enough to leave the coke out on the table for anyone to see in pictures that were obviously going to be published on the internet, to know that the band didn’t just break up because of musical differences – because we all know that at this point, that’s bullshit – is so painful.

Panic At The Disco used to be the only thing in my life that was a constant, that was perfect and could do no harm. Now Panic At The Disco is one of the main things causing me pain. It’s one thing that they broke up to do different things musically, but if you look past that, it’s obvious, so fucking obvious, that that isn’t just the only problem. Ryan is going to crash and burn. Ryan is going so downhill that I don’t even want to call him Ryan anymore. Maybe he does have an evil twin like he said. That would make things a hell of a lot better. Or maybe he’s just fucking bipolar. Or stupid. I’m gonna go with stupid. Really really fucking stupid.

The bad part is Jon is going with him. Not only leaving the band with him, but what if this means he doing coke too? Who would honestly be THAT surprised if Jon was? I am devastated, not just because of the band splitting up, but because my heroes, people that used to be my role models, are going down a harsh path of life that I want them to have nothing to do with. They just broke up, next it’s going to be one of them dying. I don’t know what to do. I’m shattered, I’m empty, I’m broken, I’m lost.

About a week or so ago, I had a dream about all of this. It was Brendon and Ryan. Ryan was mad and obviously drunk off of his ass. Brendon was in tears, so upset, so frustrated, so hopeless. He started to get angry at Ryan though, because really, who isn’t the least bit upset with him right now? Brendon started belting out the lyrics of Nails For Breakfast, Tacks For Snacks right into Ryan’s face, pinning him against a wall. It really upset Ryan, and I mean, really. He was already angry enough, so this completely set him off. Ends up Ryan killed Brendon. I’ve thought about this dream a lot, ever since Jon and Ryan left Panic, and I’ve come to a conclusion of what it meant. Brendon knows that Ryan is going downhill, he knows it, he sees it, and it hurts him. I’m not hinting towards Ryden or any of that shit because really, even if they are just friends and that’s all they ever were, it will still hurt Brendon. Ryan didn’t really kill Brendon, but he killed Brendon’s spirits, his hopes and all, you know?

I’m really trying not to let Ryan destroy my hopes, but it’s not really working. Brendon and Spencer though, they’re making it a lot better. I honestly thank god for them right now, especially Brendon. They obviously care about their fans, unlike Ryan and Jon right now. You guys know how hard this is for me, you know how much Jon and Ryan mean to me, but I am trying not to focus on them right now. I’m trying to focus on the music for once, which isn’t ending up too good.

I just need a vacation or something.

things have changed for me and that’s [not] okay.

Today is not a good day. Today I am completely and utterly heartbroken. My favorite band is gone. They’ve left a few pieces, but they’re not completely there anymore. They’ve all changed, everything has changed. And it’s not really okay. Some people might think I’m being dramatic, but you know me, always causing a scene or something. It’s not just that Jon and Ryan are leaving, it’s just the fact that…they aren’t together anymore. That maybe neither band will make it and I won’t get to hear anymore of their precious music. I love them all, I love them all so much. I don’t know who’s side I’m on, but you know I’ll always be more attached to Jon. You know me. I’m listening to Live In Chicago and it’s heart breaking. I know this is probably for the best, but my god, it’s PANIC AT THE DISCO. My favorite band. My life. My everything. What am I going to do now? I’m lost. I’m empty. I’m broken. Ryan started this band, so why is he leaving it? And Jon, he…he was just the icing on the cake. Panic At The Disco was PERFECT. They had everything I looked for. They were the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and now they just…split. I kind of want to say it’s not fair, but it’s their decision. It’s just my life put on line. Not like they care about it.

So what about their tour coming up? Is it just gonna be Spencer and Brendon? Or is it like their ‘one last time’ kind of thing? I need to go to it, I don’t care if Cincinnati is nine hours away from me or not, I’m going to find a way there. I can’t believe I just have to let them go. They’re gone. I’m afraid to think of the future without them.

Ross will end up crashing and burning and dying young. I don’t want to see that for him. I’m so scared. I am. I just, don’t know what to do. The way he is now, he’s just going to crash and burn and fall.

Jon will probably remain being cool, playing music for small bands, and grow up with lots and lots of cats.

Brendon will go solo in the end and become extremely famous. Then, he’ll come out of the closet and either become more famous or be hated by everyone.

Spencer will settle down with Haley(?) after a while and he’ll just have a nice family. Good for him, I guess.

And it will all just be over.

This just proves to me that the apocalypse is coming. The end is coming. Ryan will die in 2011. Things are just going to keep going downhill for us. 2009 has pretty much sucked so far, at least this summer.

No one can prove to me that this is a good thing, honestly. Sure we’ll get more bands and music and stuff, but nothing will ever be as amazing as Panic At The Disco. I don’t think it’s possible for a band to mean as much as they do to me. They aren’t just a fucking band to me. They are everything. They are my life. They are my family. They give me hope. They save my life every day. So am I supposed to just let this go? Without them (mostly Jon and Ryan, as a matter of fact) I would be dead. So is it bad that I feel empty and hopeless and just…broken and shattered and sick now? I’m not a fangirl, unless a fangirl means that you love a band more than life itself, and not for their looks.

If I could change anything about this experience of Panic At The Disco I've had in my life, it would be telling them how they saved me. I don’t know why I didn’t when I had the chance. Maybe I didn’t know they did, or how much they did, until after. I wish I could meet them again, or if they just knew.

They bring back the !and take away the most important parts of the band. They will never equal the same thing to me. Ryan and Jon are…Ryan and Jon. I’m just waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Is this real? This isn’t real.

Earlier I was talking to my mom and I accidently said ‘pretty odd’. I burst out in tears. If this is really the end, then I just have to be able to see them one more time. I’ll probably leave the venue in tears or shaking like a madman, but that’s okay. I just need this. They are my everything, why doesn’t anyone understand? I’m just probably going to go watch Live in Denver and Live In Chicago on repeat because this isn’t over.Nonononono.

Does anyone know a way I can make 200 dollars fast? That’s all I need. Please. Someone help.

passed your place, saw your car, thought of you

today is a good day. it consists of interwebz, butch walker, and good food.
yesterday was a good day, until 8:30.
running down the road, looking at "chickens" and laughing at songs, who would have guessed that you would cross my mind, oh so shallowly?
the number 1890 skips through my brain, but who knew it would land not so gracefully?
the summer has brought a difficult change for the betterment of us both,
i was doing so swell. i was giving up for good.
and somehow i just fell.

another thought comes rap-tap-tapping on my shoulder.
[i always get the good comebacks way too late]
i still haven't cried over you.
i still haven't let you defeat me,
or let you get me down.

but nothing changes, if you don't want anything to stay the same.
we could follow our pain into the city.
we could stop caring about paying rent.
we could realize how worthless happiness is,
unless you put the truth behind and give smoking smiles.

coughcough.

i’m warning you.

This isn't a secret. This isn't something I just randomly realized last night after crying over your pictures, pleading for more of your words. This isn't just me being melo-dramatic over a crawling sensation late at night. This is real. Everything is real, someone says, everything has such great potential, everything could reach such great heights. But, this is real to me, even when nothing else can be.

You wrap your arm around my waist, a sigh escapes your lips. The bed dips and I know we're both going down, way down. I would say I feel like hell in your arms, but I'd be lying. You scratch your chin, as if you're trying to come up with an answer to a question, but neither of us have spoken for a while. If I can recall the last thing you said to me was "I love you." Unfortunately, I can't lie and say this ever goes unanswered.

The sheets hide our bodies, my face tucked close to your chest. You hold my hips like I'm a goddess, like you'll never let me go, and I begin to wonder why I'm even here. There's a space between us, stabbing us like knives. You couldn't see the space if you looked at us, I'm practically on top of you. But if you went inside my heart, you'd know that nothing is right, nothing is okay. This is all just a mistake that I'm willing to waste my life on, just for you.

The lighting in this room is perfect for seeing the scars on my wrists, my thighs, my hips. You trace over them lightly, and I don't flinch because I trust you with this. You have experience. You count them under your breath and I try not to let myself scowl at the number. You whisper wise words, without even saying anything at all and I figure out why I love you, I love you because you let me lay in your bed when I cry and you don't even have to say a word and I feel better. You make me smile when it's cloudy and laugh when it's raining. The alcohol on your breath has nothing to do it at all.

There’s these people in my life that mean more than they should to me, that’s the only way I know how to describe them as a whole. Reading that one sentence, 90 percent of you already know who they are. These people are just like me, except perfect. They have flaws, they have my flaws, but they manage to get by. Why don’t I get by?

Let’s start with you. You’re the odd one out. You’re the chubby one that always laughs too loud or is too quiet. You never do anything right to anyone, and in general, the least liked. You’re most like me, but I love you, so why do I hate myself?

Next. You say the wrong things at the wrong times, your hair is too short, and sometimes you drink too much. You’re always too loud and you sweat too much. Does that sound like someone else you know?

Then there’s him. The one with the past. The one who never chooses the right things anymore. The sad one. The one with the bad body image. The one who no one really likes anymore. (“You see yourself as the tragic artists who record songs in their basement with a camera they bought at a pawn shop”)

But I watch you all and I love you all. There’s just one person I can’t seem to figure out. I see nothing wrong with them, I see them smile, I hear them laugh, I find myself wondering “are you even real?” And I still don’t know. I’ve never believe in angels coming down on earth. I’ve never believed in anyone’s careless words or beautiful smile being able to save a life. I never believed 11:11 wishes worked until I met them. I’ve never seen them make a mistake like me, do not see anything wrong with anything they do. And then it comes to me, after such hard thoughts. Crying myself asleep, thinking about you, I finally realized, you have a flaw. A big flaw.

You’re perfect.

You are absolutely nothing like me, no matter how try I make myself be like you. I only do it because you’re perfect, and I’m not. Why I hang onto you and please to be with you and love you so god damn much, I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to be with someone I could relate to, and perfect is not anything I can be like.

If this is a mistake, then I don’t know what a mistake is.